The thing about chemicals is that not many people know what they are. I’m not talking about household cleaning goods, or the things used to make explosives. I’m talking about chemical pregnancies.
A chemical pregnancy is when the woman’s egg becomes fertilized and may or may not attach to the uterine lining, but for reasons unknown the pregnancy is unviable and she miscarries before 6 weeks. Many people experience this but may not know it occurs if they are not trying to conceive, as it is so early on in the pregnancy that the miscarriage is often times mistaken as a menstrual cycle.
Regardless of how early on in the pregnancy this miscarriage takes place, it is still a tragic loss. I know this, because I have experienced 3 of them. My first was a year ago today. Then the 2 consecutive months. Then…nothing. At first it gave me hope that at least I could get pregnant. Then, as time went on it became hard. When September came I thought about that child I had lost. About how he/she would’ve been born any day. Then, as Christmas came, how I would’ve experienced their first smiles, their first Thanksgiving, and first Christmas.
The first loss was the hardest. I remember being a day late and taking that test. December 28, 2015. That faint pink line appearing after 2 minutes. I thought I was seeing things. I asked my husband cautiously trying not to get too excited. Oh my gosh! After 2 years we got a second pink line! How would we announce to our parents, our friends? This is the day we had been waiting for forever!
Later that day I began spotting. It’s ok, some people spot or get menstrual cycles like normal through their whole pregnancy. But, I was worried. What if my pink line went away? What if in a matter of hours I lost everything I wanted so badly? And then a couple days later, it happened. I was 3 weeks 6 days. I woke up with the worst cramps. Unable to pull myself out of the fetal position. Crying out in excruciating pain. Then, when I went to the bathroom clots the size of my palm. My usual 6 day period only lasted 2 days. That’s all it took. Two years of trying and then in 2 days everything was gone. Flushed down the toilet.
The physical pain of miscarrying did not even compare to the emotional pain I was experiencing. And other than my husband and mom, I kept it to myself until now. It’s taken a long time for me to open up about this, as so many people won’t understand the pain I’ve endured. The pain of losing not one, but three pregnancies. It’s the hardest thing to lose a child, no matter how young, or how soon. No matter how long you carried them. I carried each of my 3 angel babies less than 4-5 weeks, but they’ve left an impression on my heart forever.
I think about my angel babies often. I wonder who they would have looked like. His nose, my eyes, curly hair? Would it have been red, brown? Whose smile would they have?
These thoughts still swirl thru my mind on the anniversary of my first loss. I wonder will the emotional pain get easier, even if we don’t have children? Will this date always make me sad? If we do have children, will I forget the ones that could have been?
Tonite, as I cry myself to sleep, I will say a prayer for my angel babies, and other women who have experienced the tragedy of losing a child too soon. I encourage you to all hug your littles extra tight and thank your higher power that they are here with you tonite.